Sit Happens

Episode Two: Mel's Last Snow

• Sit Happens • Season 1 • Episode 2

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0:00 | 55:26

Send us a message of love or hate...you decide.

Dive in to the shallow end of the dating pool with us for our second episode where we talk about our views on love, Mel's emotional constipation and Shanna's debut romance novel titled Mel's Last Snow. Everyone's best friend Betsy even makes a guest appearance. 

With our sharp wit and politically incorrect commentary, we'll talk about life's absurdities and things that should get us put on a watchlist. No topic is too small or too dark, because life is hard and so are we. 

SPEAKER_03

I remember her dad one time we he was like rocking over his house where the dad was like sitting in the dark with on his porch, like smoking a cigarette, and we're putting on a dance show. Oh my god, yes, yes, God, yes, you did tell me. We were putting on a dance show, Frank.

SPEAKER_04

And you just saw the light of the cigarette. You'd be drinking wine. We were on a show. Never like did lights run though.

SPEAKER_03

Such good memories. I can tell you right now, I never spent another night at that home.

SPEAKER_02

Hello and welcome to Sit Happens, the podcast where two best friends sit down with our award-winning personalities, sharp wit, and politically incorrect commentary that nobody asked for, but everyone is laughing at.

SPEAKER_03

No topic is too small or too dark because life is hard and so are we. I'm Shanna. And I'm Melissa. Pull up a chair because it happens. In today's episode, we're going to discuss our polarizing views on love and my startup dating service that can't seem to find the right clientele. Because, like any true love story, I'm delusional, bound, determined, and in too deep to turn back now. Come frolic with us in the snow of a winter wonderland in my debut romance novel, Mel's Last Snow. Finally, things really get heated up when we get an inside look into what Facebook dating has to offer. And what do the experts say about our chances of finding happiness and happily ever after online? Let's sit. Extremely different. Like if you were to say night and day or, you know, heaven and hell. Right. You grew up with the fairy tale. You grew up watching Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella. Wait, what's the fairy tale where you grow up and then your dad's gay? I got the killing off the mom part. Their early childhood drama. Sorry, continue. Bisexual. Get it right. No, but you literally found my mom too. Dead. Continue. Sorry. You were saying? No. But you like, so like growing- I did try CPR. It didn't work. I'll tell that story another time. Love love for other people. You don't want it for yourself. Too much. It's too much. It's hard. It looks, it looks difficult. Like if you don't feel it's attainable, then you're gonna push it away. But the thing is, it is attainable. It's attainable for anybody if you want it.

SPEAKER_02

It goes back to like last, it goes back to like last week. We were talking about like fear of people. And it's not that we're afraid of people. I have no desire to meet multiple people, especially if I'm getting to know them on like a romantic like really like get to know your soul, ready to get to know.

SPEAKER_03

And it's a speed dating round. It does, I'm sorry, it doesn't happen that way. It needs to happen more organically. I don't remember your first name, what you do for work, where you live. I feel like there's somewhere out there for everybody. Okay. I want everyone to find there forever. Even M. Please tell us how you feel about dating. I hate dating. You're independent. I want nothing to do with dating. Yeah. You know what though I love about you is you are an independent woman. Like you completely are self-sufficient. You don't need a man. No, that'd be nice to have. That's great. Like if it was the, but if it's someone that's worth spending time with.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, put it this way. I can do everything on my own. I do do everything on my own. I feel differently about one day every 12 to 15 months where I'm like, maybe I should.

SPEAKER_03

And the next day I wake up and I'm like, what the hell was I thinking? Like, I woke up, I made a dating profile, I have these matches. Oh god, what happened? Why you roll my phone in the toilet and we move on, right? Call an exorcist. Something happened. Up my meds. The thing is, I have no desire to jump through the hoops. Right. No desire desire to do the whole song and dance. Set the bar low. Set the bar low in the beginning. Oh, hi, how are you? How's your day going? What are you up to? Not a goddamn thing. And then say out your do anything. No, you understand. This is me happy. This is me. My plans are to not have plans. Because I, again, we've already determined I don't do anything. I don't leave the house. No, I go to work. I'm not gonna date anybody I'm working with. Right. I've tried. Billy if you're out there. She saw him in the background picture from a work barbecue once and said, Who's on the grill? And I said she wasn't one of our texts. And ever since then, she's like, Is Billy working today? I had you guys going on a date. Yeah, you were naming our children. Because you saw him in the background of a picture from what you didn't even know what he was like. Like if he was a nice person. Anyways, going back, there's nothing going on with Billy. Billy, I just happen to work with him.

SPEAKER_04

So you're saying, okay, you're not opposed to it, but you just don't want to do the whole like fake, like, hey, how are you?

SPEAKER_03

You want to go to a date? This is the thing. I have no desire to lie to make myself more interesting than I am. No, don't do that. Am I an interesting person? I think so.

SPEAKER_02

But not in the way that, like, so like context of online dating.

SPEAKER_03

Right. It's a bunch of people, right? Really fast. And the first point of contact is via basically a text message, a message, an email, right? Whatever. There's no like, there's no even like eyes me across the room. There's no moment. Yeah. And so it's just it's exhausting. No, it is.

SPEAKER_02

And nobody's honest on the internet. I feel like I'm the only honest one because on there, what did my last one that we make say?

SPEAKER_03

Like, best way to get me on a date is to trick me into it. It's true. This is why I feel like you'd benefit from a dating service prior to this. I've set most up. It hasn't worked out. Okay. But it's not just not worked out, Shanna. It's been bad.

SPEAKER_02

If I had to go back and do it all- Is there anybody that you you've previously tried to hook me up with that you would say, you know what? I wouldn't have hooked her up with that person.

SPEAKER_03

Yes. Is there any that you would say, you know what?

SPEAKER_07

I would hook her up with that person all over again. Knowing what I know now? No. No.

SPEAKER_03

The thing is, you're looking for the one. You're looking for one person. Like one person that you're supposed to like be with. Like, and that's daunting and can seem like so much.

SPEAKER_07

But there's always fair season. That carnival ride has left the fairgrounds.

SPEAKER_03

We wanna here's something to laugh at. Do you want to talk about my debut novel? My debut romance novel. God, not really. It's so awkward. Oh my god, it's amazing. You were dying of what you were convinced was a very bad cold this last winter. Accurate. You felt you had an incurable lung infection. I did. I like to call you Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman because like you refuse to go to the doctor. Yeah. And you're like, if there's not a home remedy for it, it's not happening. Like it will literally try anything. You yes. For me, for my loved ones, like, oh dear God, don't go to the doctor because that's what makes it worse. Right. But they you go to the doctor, they send you to Fairview, go to the doctor for the paper cut, and then you're dead. Right, right.

SPEAKER_02

You're you died. Right. So don't go. Don't go because you know what? It's gonna probably pass. We'll do everything we can to cure it. Right.

SPEAKER_03

If it can't be found at Walgreens, specifically the one by my house for curbside pickup, Amazon Prime, then it's not in the cards. It's not in the cards. Understandable. You're just very particular about where you go for treatment. So if it's not in the Walgreens and Amazon's, then we're out. We're out. Yes. If it can't be solved by VIX and like, you know, a hot shower, I don't know what to do. Right. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I get it. I get it. Been there, done that. You know, have the death certificates to prove it. Okay. You know, I been there, done. Say less. Say less. Um, so you're at home dying of what must be an incurable lung infection not seen since the late 1800s. Yes. You know, the the wet lung, the you know, the black lung, the fucking like, I don't know, bubonic plague, like um consumption. Consumption. That was that's a fave. That's a fave. Yes. You know, like we've seen crazy shit. We lived through the rona, you know, amongst swine flu, bird flu, like you name it. We've had all the flus. Yeah. In our in our life. It was only like a month ago that my mom thought that she had hand, foot, and mouth disease. She did for like a good week. For a good week, she was thoroughly convinced that she has ha had hand, foot, and mouth disease. I think her lips were chapped. It was. It literally, you're like try chapstick. She did that one away. So you cured her. It was an incredible cure. You cured her. Um, but you were convinced you were dying. So, and so then me being a person who never gets sick. Right. I just when you're not a good sick person, you literally start to prepare for death. Sick enough. You start to prepare for death. Don't think I'm ever coming back from it. No. And the thing is, like, like you called to say your goodbyes. Like, I talked to you on the phone when you're sick. I had a fever. Okay. I've had three fevers in my entire life. And I'm sure they were horrible. They were all horrible. Right. One lasted for a week. I was 104. Stop. Was that during COVID? That was no, that was last year. Jesus. I was out for work a whole week. They made you. You tried going in and they were like, you can't. No, I actually that one. When you called in for that one the whole week. Day over day. And I'm like, it's just this fever. It's this fever. It's this fever. I was 104. Nothing took it down.

SPEAKER_08

Oh, Jesus.

SPEAKER_03

If it went up 0.1 more degrees, I was going to the ER because it was already, it was 103.9. If it got to 104, I was gonna go in. Because you're boiling at that point. I was 103.9 for four days straight. Tylenol, ibuprofen, none of it took it down. It stayed that high.

SPEAKER_02

What? Yes. And then one day it just went away and I felt better. And I took an extra day off work to recover and sleep. And it was awful. It was awful. Oh my god. It was awful.

SPEAKER_03

You poor thing. It was awful. So yeah. So when I get sick, I do. I think I'm dying. Don't get sick. No, you don't. So literally you go into like I get I have my allergies. I've got the sickness. Yeah, not like no, you're like, these are my goodbyes. These are my final words. And I'm just like, I even called your mom at one point, and she's like, no, she's really sick. And I'm just like, okay. And she's like, and then I was like trying to make light of it because um, you know, she's like, it's the plague, and I'm like, no, that hasn't been around for years. She's like, fine, it's just tuberculosis. And it was, it was so bad. Yeah, because she's like, it's the Spanish influenza, stay away. And I'm just like, you know. I did. I thought it was it, I I was I was dying. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_08

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03

So, what did my best friend do? I wrote a romance novel for her, or I started to create one. What's the name of it? Um, it's called Melissa's Last Snow. Okay. I sent her the title of the book, and then I'm like, you know what? I can do better. So can Chat GPT. I then went to ChatGPT, typed in my description, asked for a romance novel cover, uploaded a photo of me, uploaded a photo of her, and then they edit to look like her, and I sent it to her. The cover of my book, Best Day of My Life. I laughed so hard. I actually think it might have it might have cured me. Really? Was that clear your lungs feeling better? It cleared your lungs. Yes, because you came back from death's doorstep. So now do I give her a cover and like you know, last chance at love? Melissa's last chance at love was waiting in the cold. Um send her the cover. Okay. I tell her that I'm going to write a story about her and wait for it. Tobias. Because this woman lives like she's in the 1900s, and the way like she's a Dr. Quinn Medicine woman, like home in the prairie, and she's always talking about she's gonna like die alone. So what is now that the book has actually has its own first chapter done? It's got a chapter done. What is his name? Tobias. His friends call him Toby. I'm no, and Melissa originally Toby had a cleft chin. No, he he did. I refuse to come back unless we changed it. It's not the worst thing we've ever heard. No, I mean, well, no, it's the writing is great. I like I love it, but the storyline is funny, yeah, because it's so mean. It is, it is, and it's so many of the funny things from our life like thrown into it and almost like inside jokey kind of, but like it also relatable on a larger scale. Like, if you listen to this podcast, you'll get half the story. Like, it's just the funny things. It's so uncomfortable because it's about you, because it's about me, and you're writing a romance novel about me. Like, I'm like if Toby and I do more than like hold hands in this book, I'm never gonna be able to look you in the eye again. Well, so far, I mean, as you Because I know the kind of books that we read. Oh no, they're filthy. No, they're they're filthy. You know, it's like in chapter seven, you know, I'm holding his throbbing love wand, I'm gonna die. Yeah, so stay tuned, because there is gonna be a reading of the first chapter of Mel's Last Snow.

SPEAKER_02

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03

Mm-hmm. It's gonna be good.

SPEAKER_02

Is it gonna be at the end of this episode or its own No, it's gonna be at it's gonna be right now.

SPEAKER_01

Tobias was going up for his second plate of spaghetti when he happened to look up. Who was she? He did not recognize her. How did he not know who she was? He had spent enough time with the YMCA, and he thought he knew everyone here. He would have remembered her. Mella just walked through the swinging doors leading from the kitchen and was carrying a large pan of fresh garlic bread. She was trying to keep her balance while carrying a giant pan. She was savoring the intoxicating heavenly aroma of garlic and butter. When she looked up and noticed someone was watching her. Their eyes met, and she nearly tripped, losing all of the bread to the floor. Tobias was quick, and thanks to his life, long love of sports and gym class. Before Mel lost the garlic bread, she was lost in the eyes of the man that came to her rescue. Tobias helped to steady Mel on her feet, wanting to ask if she's okay, but he cannot seem to find the words. He looked at her like he was starving. He then chanced a glance down to the tray and was hungry for more than garlic bread. Mel thanked him for helping to save the bread and her pride. She reassured him that many people will thank him for the heroic gesture. Tobias looks back up and into Mel's eyes. And just as he opens his mouth to ask her her name, she looks at him and says, Well, don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from. Tobias smirks as the edge of his mouth turns up as he sees a flush rising from Mel's chest and slowly creeping up her cheeks. He gives her his best panty melting smile and clears his throat and says, I would love more of this. He has a look of hunger in his eyes, and he just cannot help himself. He has a desire for more than garlic bread. Mel looks up and meets his gaze. She is puzzled. She cannot decide if he has a shared love of carbs or maybe needs to use the bathroom. By the looks of him, he doesn't look like he eats carbs and instead probably lives at the gym punishing himself for any carbs he consumes. Mel takes a deep breath and takes a long look into his dreamy blue depths. She knows that look, she knows what he wants. She steps closer and he leans down. She is surprised by the closeness. She is not mad at the chiseled man in front of her, but she better help him find what he is looking for. Mel feels a jolt of electricity and pulls back, startled by the jolt and his closeness. She knows that she should have used more dryer sheets. Damn it! She knows better. Winter is notorious for horrible static electricity. She chastises herself. Then looking up at Tobias, she gestures toward the door she just came through when she nearly lost all of the bread. Right through those doors is enough bread to feed an army. Please help yourself. A life without bread is a life not worth living, in my opinion. Tobias looks at her, and he pauses for a moment, blinking. He stands up straight and shakes his head. Could he really have misread the heat that he felt between them? He felt a literal shock of electricity. Has he lost his mind? He wants to laugh. What is happening? He never has a problem talking to women. Then, before he can say anything else, Mel takes off, walking toward the gym to take the bread to where the spaghetti dinner is being held. Without thinking, he reaches out his hand and touches her elbow, stopping her mid stride. Mel turns slowly. She has a look of shock on her face.

SPEAKER_00

Did I spill anything on you? I'm so sorry. I'm sure we can find something to get you cleaned up.

SPEAKER_01

She looks him over quickly, looking for any grease stains, on a very nice and probably really expensive black dress shirt. A shirt that was just snug enough to give a preview of the hard, broad chest beneath. She wants to reach out and touch him, and to trace her hand over. She turns it off before she can think any more about the attractive man standing before her, because she is there to help and this evening is about helping Bob and raising money for the kids. Focus, Mel, she reminds herself. Tobias is watching Mel as her eyes slowly roam his chest. Then a low rumble that sounds almost like a growl snaps her attention back to him. She smiles. But before Tobias could say anything, Mel interjects, I almost forgot. The bathroom is down the hall. And not to worry, it is a single stall, so you will have plenty of privacy. Have a great night. She then turns and walks off in the direction of dinner. Tobias stands there speechless as he is left watching her walk away, disappearing into the crowd of people. He shakes his head and runs his fingers through his hair, replaying everything that just happened. He needs to get some fresh air to clear his head, then he is going to go back and find out who this mystery woman with the garlic bread is. He had never seen her before, and he needed to find out who she was. If he had met her before, he would have definitely remembered her. She was too beautiful to ignore and too special to forget.

SPEAKER_03

Owen's heck, my phone's ringing. It's Frank's. When are you available next week for a reading?

SPEAKER_08

Hi, is this Frank? Frank, how are you doing?

SPEAKER_03

Oh, you want to sprint next to the fertilizer. Thank you for calling calling Frank's nursery and crafts. This is Frank. Oh, wait, one second, one second. Okay, another call. Yes? Ben, honey, how are you? Franklin called.

SPEAKER_02

So unless you live close to a Frank's nursery and crafts or a Ben Franklin, you might be out of luck on this one. Right.

SPEAKER_03

Let us know. Write in. We'll I'll keep reading excerpts of the story until someone fears. And honestly, the more you tell me not to, the more I'll do it. So I just want to help Melissa find love. And I appreciate it. Yeah. And that's, you know, she I love her. And she has the stamina, the relationship stamina, I should say, of a tortoise. That tortoise has suffered a series of strokes and has also been alive since the Civil War. So it's not going to be fast. He's just like, I'm just tired. I'm just so exhausted. I'm exhausted. Yep. I get it. Okay. Well, you know what we're gonna do? We're going as promised. We're diving headfirst into this shallow end of the dating pool. And you know, lots of people have peed in here. Much like the YMCA, someone is guaranteed to have shit in the pool. So please proceed with caution. I had a good thing going with the chaplain for a while. You did. You did. We talked for like a week, like just like online or whatever, but yeah. And then and video messages.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

And then like one day, like, oh, like, how was your day?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Um, he asked me how my day was. I was like, oh, my day was really good. Like, blah, blah, blah. How was yours? It was a really bad day. That's what he said.

SPEAKER_03

And I was like, oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. I I hope things get better. Right. He never replied, nothing. So I'm like, okay. What if something happened to him? Well, he was still alive. I don't know. That we know. Like, he was alive enough to respond. But then maybe he died. Maybe he got cancer diagnosis or something. Maybe. I can't want to put you through that. Praise Jesus. I've had enough loss in my life. Exactly. He was like, one more trip to Southdale's gonna do her end. He knew. He he was gonna go see. He knew my soul. He knew. He Jesus is like, hey, dude, I know she's amazing. Not the one. I really just wanted the stories. Oh, for sure. About being like a sheriff's chaplain. Oh, for sure. Like, I don't know when people are like Because you didn't get one of those. No, no, they don't. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Nope. You got two 22-year-old cops that were like, uh Exactly. I'm like, um, we've never done this before. Oh, sorry to interrupt you this late hour. Uh we're technically supposed to be on training for another couple months, but they were short. They were short, so we're here. Gosh, but yeah, dating's hard. I just I even feel bad. I'm so sorry. Like looking back on it, like online dating is really like beyond.

SPEAKER_02

Like it well, it is. And here's and this is the thing.

SPEAKER_03

Here's the thing. And it part of it though, too, I think is being the age that I am. No, there's a lot more fish in the sea when you're in your 20s than there is in your late 30s. A lot of people in their late 30s are in this time of like establishment. They're married, they have their kids, they have their families, they don't hate each other enough yet to get divorced. You won't. You won't make the first move. I like the f the first move. I occasionally when strong-armed and blackmailed. Strong-armed and blackmailed, I may text you first. Yep. Possible. I will never ask a man out on a date. Nope, she won't. She's old school. She's Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. She's I will not plan the date. Oh, see, that's where I mean, no, I didn't plan my first date with well. No, they can do that. Yeah, he did it. That's right. No, they can. They can ask me, they can plan it. I'm not doing that. Yeah. One was an actual, I think, cast member of the newsies. He was, but the hat was too. They were the A newsies saw the hat and they're like, that's even too much for us. Yeah. It's like he was playing a caricature of the newsies. Of a newsies character. And they're like, You're making fun of us, please leave. And then there was the the magician. Oh, with the wax mustache. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04

Yep.

SPEAKER_03

Yep. Was he actually a magician or did he just have a cape in a picture?

SPEAKER_02

He just had a cape in the picture. So he's not a successful magician.

SPEAKER_03

No. No. We were actually being very kind calling him a magician. He was in a basement wearing a cape who had a wax mustache. What about the librarian? The pleasure dom? Yes, yes, yes. So unassuming. So unassuming. He looked like the biggest nerd. Nerd. Just absolutely. So initially we were like pocket protector. We were, yeah, we were like, okay, let's read about this.

SPEAKER_02

And we go down, we like scroll down his profile, and he's like, I'm a pleasure dom looking for new friends to play with.

SPEAKER_03

And then he was like Polly, too. So yes, he is for multiple women. And then there's the one who initially off the bat he looked mean and ugly. Okay. And then he has to move in with me and my disabled sister. Yes. Yeah. Like I take care of her, which props. I've taken care of family members who need help too. But he was like talking, like he was in a relationship with his sister. And he was like so angry. He was so mad. He was so angry if someone looked angry. Right. And just his like demands. You have must relocate to any. Yeah. Yeah. Red flag, you guys. Red flag. If they're like, you have to move closer to me. Don't. Yeah. Don't entertain it. It's never going to go well. And then there's not.

SPEAKER_02

And then there's just like the mass amount of people. Like men, take a like take notes here.

SPEAKER_03

If you're going to post pictures on your Facebook dating profile, there's do's and don'ts. There's do's and don'ts. There's do's and don'ts. There's do's and don'ts. Don't do not post seven pictures all taken in the same bathroom mirror on the same day. We can tell. Wearing the same clothes. We can tell. We can tell. Just because you're standing there making different faces in each one. We're not impressed. Don't do it. Don't um take pictures with your shirt off laying in bed. Nope. Also, please, if you hear anything, tell a friend, don't send the dick pic. It's only being sent to all of their friends. And if you think that's hot, it's not sent for good reasons. No. It's only to laugh at.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_03

It's never sent because it's beautiful.

SPEAKER_02

The next, yeah, you know what? I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_03

The next dick pic, because I'm the best online stalker ever. Oh, you fucking are. The next dick pic I get, sending to their entire family. Oh my god, do it. Like in one Facebook message. Do it, do it, do it. Oh my god. You know what I hate though when people are like, oh, I'm family orientated. And then they post the picture. You know what I'm gonna say? Oh my god. I know what you're gonna say. Say Camp Snoopy. The old time photos. No! Don't take a picture with your mom in an old-time photo at Camp Snoopy. No, yes. Next to the fucking carousel. So bad. You know, it's so embarrassing.

SPEAKER_02

You be Annie Oakley and I'll be Jesse James, and let's get our picture taken, mom. And then mom against the world. And it's just it is the thing is like it's fine. Your mom might have made you do that. Right.

SPEAKER_03

You might have been having a good day out with mom. Mom might be dead. It might be a great memory. It's not for your dating profile. That's not for the dating profile.

SPEAKER_02

You know what else isn't? What? Men love to do this. Men fucking love to do this. I'm dying.

SPEAKER_03

Post a picture of themselves with like another woman or like a couple of them. Yes. And then they put like over the face, they'll be like, Sister. Girl. Like I wasn't worried about who it was. The one that we saw though, it was bad. He put in like thick, bold, like fun. And it was in red. And it was like, sister. And you can't even hardly see her. And I'm like, no one was worried. Nobody was worried, number one. Number two, it would have taken less time to just crop the picture. Exactly. We could have just cropped it, but he's like, Don't worry, ladies. That's not another woman. That's my sister. And it was like, we weren't worried. On the flip side of that though, there's also the men who will like post the picture of themselves standing with like four Vikings cheerleaders. Oh my god. And you're like, You're like, this is the wrong. What are you doing? Who are you trying to attract?

SPEAKER_02

Who are you trying to get to be like, oh, I really like you? I'm like, take down a picture of you in this.

SPEAKER_03

They're 20, you're 40. And it's just sad. Or they're like at a fucking like or like they're like out at the club. We're not in our 20s dating anymore. We have a serious pursuit in this. Yes. We don't have 10 years to waste. You know? No. We don't have a year to waste. No. You know what I mean? Based on family history, we'll be dead by then. Life expectancy of a soft shell crab. Spend your um, spend your retirement now. Do it up. Drink, do whatever. No consequences will ever come to harm you because you'll just randomly die on the way home one day. Yes. Um well and you'll end up at Southdale and be put into a coma and it's all over.

SPEAKER_02

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. You know, that's fine. The other thing that I like the profile pictures. Like the main photo. You have you post all these pictures, but you always choose like a main photo. Right. Like this is the one I want people to see first. When there's multiple people in that picture.

SPEAKER_07

Girl.

SPEAKER_03

When there's okay, so like when there's multiple people in the main profile picture, okay? You always know which one's profile it actually is. Because it will be, you know, the ugliest one. If one of them's in a wheelchair, it's the one in the wheelchair. But then, like, you have the people who post like seven different pictures. Yeah. Of what I can only describe as seven different people. No, because the first one they post is like from my space. Oh my god, yes. This happens. This happens. You know? Yep. And then it's like a picture of them getting their first car. Right. Right. And then like the very last picture, the profile, you're like, no. No. You're like, if this is what it's no. No. No. I'm like, I've seen too many different people and too many episodes of Dateline to look into this further. Like, I can't. I just fucking can't. Like, yes. You know, they what if Keith Morris has taught us anything, you know. Well, I mean a hundred percent.

SPEAKER_02

Well, and like some of them too. They look like fair folk.

SPEAKER_03

Oh god, so many do. Fair folk. But you're they're carnies just passing through. There's always fair season.

SPEAKER_02

Moment of silence for that fair season.

SPEAKER_03

Fair seasons that turn into romps in the sunflower fields. What is with the whole like catching big fish and holding them up? Like we're not in a hunt and gathering. Men love to post like I post pictures of what I think would make me look interesting. Right. You know, so like if I were to have a photo of me, like on a baseball field, I would probably post it because I'd be like, Men like baseball. Right. Men don't do that. No. Men don't post the pictures that they think women will like. No, they post men pictures that they like. And they're like, other man C, other man like fish. Here's yes. Here's me and my muskie. Right.

SPEAKER_02

Here's me and the buck I shot last fall. Right. Make sure we hold his head up real high so you can see the blood coming out of his nose.

SPEAKER_03

Right. Because this would turn another guy on. Like, I think the statistics on online dating are interesting though. For sure. What what are they? Okay, so 53% overall experience for online dating. Total. 53% of people who have ever used an online dating app or site say that their personal experience has been very to lower your standards, somewhat positive. So, like, I mean, do these people just want to be in a survey? They just want to have something to say. But they're just like varied a somewhat. Like, I feel like that's vague. That's two different answers. Yeah, because usually you do like very and then there's somewhat. I feel like in the middle, there's like, I don't have an opinion. Yeah, there's not at all, or yes or no. I think it could be yes or no, versus like very, which is what would be a yes, and then somewhat, which is kind of like it's like when you go to the doctor and they give you the depression test, and they're like in the last week, have you wanted to kill yourself all of the days? Most of the days, right? Some of the days, almost none of the days, or none of the days, you know, and you're like, the answer, the the correct answer, is most of the days, the answer I'm gonna tell you is none of the days because I'd like to go home after this. So 53% of people at least are very are over 50% to somewhat to positive. So 53% rate, like they say online dating is a positive. It's been good. It's it's very somewhat. Some of them it's been good, some of them it's been great. Yeah. But you know what? Sometimes people just need a somewhat. You know what the good news is 46% of people say that they've been had a very to somewhat negative experience. Technically, the good at 53% is outweighing the bad at 46%. Where would you put yourself in there? Are you a good to somewhat or are you bad to horrible? But I want to know where the other 1% went. I know. So what that doesn't make sense. Where does it not telling us? Right? What are they not telling us? What did that 1% say? Yeah. And this was a literally a Forbes.com dating statistics 100% from like July of 25, like recent, recent, very recent. Forbes couldn't even get 100% right. No, Forbes couldn't even get 100% right.

SPEAKER_02

1% gave a like a bullshit answer or something. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

I don't know. 1% was just like this is stupid. Yeah. Or they just off themselves really check the survey because they had a horrible experience. I would be Are you just neutral to it? Is that what you are? Are you just in the middle? Are you just kind of like meh? No. Terrified? Negative. Okay. Okay. Very negative. I don't think that there's anything good about it. I don't think the people on there are good. I don't think the people on there are genuine. But the people that do find happily ever after online. You know how many people that is? What's the percentage do you think? It's not one. Like of all people that found happily ever after. Of partnered adults, those who are married, living with the partner, or in a command relationship. How much percentage? It's probably higher than we think. Everybody online dates now. How much is it? 10%. So 90% of married people meet outside of online. Correct. Why are any of us doing it? 10. I don't know. Are you gonna be in that 10%? Chances are no! Like, okay, can I bring us back to like let's flashback? Like, you know, back to like bonfire days. What's one of our favorite pastimes? Looking at one. That too. But after we went through the basement, live links. Loved live links. We got nothing, like I we could sit there and just say do horrible things. Horrid. Not horrid, but just very explicit, very descriptive things.

SPEAKER_02

Very descriptive, but also bonkers.

SPEAKER_03

Crazy. It was like pick out of this hat. It was like an improv challenge where it was like, I'll take a suggestion from the audience. It was okay. You were the best at it. Which can we pretend that this is live links for a minute? Oh my god, do you want to? Can we practice? Can can you? I want you to go, I want you to do your your same. Can you turn the light off? Intro. I will turn the light off. I would turn the light off. The same intro that you would do for every guy, because it was the same one every time. Sometimes we change the name. Yes, yes, yes. Oh my god, I love it. I love it. I love it. You're connected. Say hi.

SPEAKER_04

Hi. Um, this is Betsy. Um, I'm just I'm 5'4, um, big tits, um, an ass you could bounce a quarter off of. Long, beautiful legs, hair down to my ass crack. Super fucking carpet. I know. That's what I always get. That's what I always get. Now it's a good one. But it wasn't that.

SPEAKER_03

But they would love it. And they'd be like, and I'd be like, my name's Candy, but candy.

SPEAKER_04

I know. And I'd be like, yeah, this is candy. Like, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02

Like, and they fucking boobs and an ass you could bounce a quarter off. Yes, a bounce quarter off of. Um, do it. Do it. Do it. What are you what are you up tonight, but up to tonight, Betsy?

SPEAKER_04

Um, I'm just sitting at home um drinking a couple of cocktails. Um, sitting here, nothing to do, two free hands and an open mind. What are you up to? And it just went from there.

SPEAKER_08

It was just the magic.

SPEAKER_04

Fucking magic. Like, okay, I need you to get something for me. Okay, yeah. Yeah, Betsy, what do you want? Anything for you, Betsy. Okay. So here's what I want. I'm gonna come over. But I need you to get a ladder, a cat, a block of ice, and some milk. And I'd be like, what? I'd be like, you heard me. This type pussy isn't going anywhere.

SPEAKER_02

What about tell me more about the pussy?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, what and then I'd be like, okay, you wanna hear it? Um, I'd be like, I'm too drunk right now, I can't go anywhere. But they always want to meet. They always want to meet me. They always want to meet, like just to put you in their truck, but they always wanted to meet, you know, be sitting in a group of people, and like I'd want audience participants. So I'd be like, Um, can you talk to my friend um Eliza over here?

SPEAKER_04

And they're like, Yeah, Betsy I'll talk to Eliza. I'm like, okay, here, um Eliza, say hi. And then so you'd be like, Eliza, and you'd come and be like, hey, what's up? And I'd be like, oh my god, you know what Eliza um really wants you to do right now? She wants you to take your thumb and clear up your asshole and then smell it.

SPEAKER_03

Like giving stupid shit. Stupid shit. Stupid and then they would get off to it. They'd be like, Yeah, yeah, then what what do you want want me to do with my thumb?

SPEAKER_04

Okay, now that I want you to take, you know, I would just go anything.

SPEAKER_03

And then it was honestly audience participation.

SPEAKER_04

I'd like mute it and be like, give me a subject.

SPEAKER_03

You would you would, you know, you would give me a scenario, you know. Yes, my favorite one though, my favorite one of all time, please share. I mean, there's some highlights. Highlights, of course. Lincoln. Lincoln getting ready for church in the morning. Yes, and every time um, you know, Betsy talked dirty, he'd be like, I don't like it when you talk like that, Betsy. That's not good. Betsy, I I wish you'd be a respectful young woman. I I don't know why you're doing that. Like he didn't understand what Live Links was. No, so he was there to make friends with him. We talked to him in like two hours. But he had to go because he was in North Dakota and he had church in the morning. I pray for Lincoln often and think about him. I really do. And I I truly do. I think about him a lot. I do. He comes up, he passes, you know, in my mind, he just he passes through once in a while. I'm like, Lincoln, I hope you're well. Yeah. I hope your church is thriving. That one, my favorite of all time, though. All time in love. Becky rides your bike. Oh my god. Becky rides your bike will live down in history. Uh-huh. History. Becky rides your bike. Becky rides your bike is an inside joke that we've had since we were like young. Like, I don't fucking remember it came from Christina was like riding a bicycle and shooting with Becky, and she has a bike. So it was always like, Becky, ride your bike. Like it was just something we said. It was an inside joke. Well, uh, amongst our improv hour or you know, that we were doing for fucking live links. I'm like, muted it. Give me a subject, any subject, you know, and I'm like, okay. And then they're like, Becky, ride your bike. And I'm like, challenge accepted. Uh-huh. So then I come back on and like, oh yeah, uh-oh, you hear that?

SPEAKER_02

That's what we would do. Spit in your mouth between your teeth.

SPEAKER_03

I'm close to the phone, and they go, Do you hear that? Wait, I'm gonna get real close. You get as close to you because the phone, and then you put spit in your mouth, and then you go, how do you even describe what you're doing? You're like pushing the spit between your teeth forward and back, and then sucking it back, and then forward and sucking it back. It's so bad. It's like if Hannibal Lecter was aroused. Like just like that. It's like, yeah. You hear that? Do you hear that? Can you hear that? The thing is, guys, I don't know what they thought that sound was. I don't know. I don't know what I'm here. I'm curious to hear it back, what that sound sounds like on recording, because I can never find that sexy.

SPEAKER_04

No. So then they'd be like, oh my god, is that you'd be like, yeah, that sounds like so wet. Did you hear that? That's real. That's real. That's real. And they'd be like, oh, let me hear it again, baby. You're like, okay.

SPEAKER_03

Meanwhile, we're sitting in a fucking half circle of at least 10 people. And I kept having to mute it and say, if you guys don't shut the fuck up. This is not gonna go well. Um, I need you to tell me to ride my bike. Tell me to ride my bike.

SPEAKER_02

Tell me, tell me to ride my bike. And he's like, Becky, Becky, ride your bike, ride your bike, Becky, ride it, ride it, ride your bike, and I ride your bike, Becky, ride your bike.

SPEAKER_03

Becky, ride your bike, Becky, ride your bike. And then we're just sitting there. And at one point, again, muted, I'm dead. It's so funny. I pass her on the ground and I'm ready to start slapping people because no one can stop laughing. It's so loud. Because it's so bad. But he couldn't hear because he was just screaming Becky ride your bike. Screaming and Becky ride your bike myself. He was just fucking going at it. Oh my god, over like, oh my god.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my god. We went there was the one too, it might have even been the same frickin' night. I don't know. Where you were talking like it was you and your friend. Um, it was like Becky and Misty. Misty was in a cage. Yes. Oh, that was another favorite.

SPEAKER_04

Misty was in a cage. Because I'd be like, because they'd hear somebody, and I'm like, oh, sorry, my roommate just walked in. Um, Misty, what are you doing out of your cage? And they'd be like, What? And I'd be like, I have a friend here, she wants to play. They're like, oh, well, telling your friend she can come play with us. And I'm just like, ew.

SPEAKER_03

Like, so gross. Yes. And he's like, and then Misty would go on there and be horrible because Misty would not know how to play this game. And Misty'd be like, no, I'm a cat.

SPEAKER_04

Like, damn it, Misty, I told you to use your litter box. And he'd be like, oh, you better spank Misty for being naughty. Like, Misty, come here with thank you. Misty, you're so bad. Misty. Oh, thank you again. Misty, you're a bad girl. And they just got off on it. They did. And I'm like, I gotta go. Misty has to put her back in her cage. She has to go potty.

SPEAKER_03

You know, it was so bad. And this guy still to this day walks around with a boner for Misty in a cage. Every time he hears like, oh God. Yeah. It was so funny. It was so bad though. It was fucking hilarious. Love looking. It was so funny. It was literally the best. There was a time that um someone at the fire got, we used my mom's phone because one of ours was dying. And they called. And they were talking, like they were, you know, seeing who was out there and stuff. Because, like, you know, why not let someone else try? I can't perform all the time. Um, so they did, and they ended up getting the phone blocked and like deleted to this day. Whoever has that phone number probably can't call live links. Second question. Besides this podcast and uh was my number one dream. Writing your romance novel is gonna be another dream I see and fulfill. Other dream, how do I get a job as one of the moderators on Live Links? Oh my god. Do that for just one day. I know. They probably don't even appreciate anymore, they don't even care, they're immune. Yeah. The things that I've gotten away with saying on there, I know horrible things. Horrible things. They're probably like nine and one operators. One, it's you know what I mean? It just becomes after a while just part of the job. Yeah, they're probably as long as nobody's mentioning kids, right? They're like approved, you know. Do you think there's a moderator out there somewhere who like remembers you? Oh, I hope so. Oh my god, if anyone that's ever been, or what if someone listening has been on live links and they hear the voice? Oh jeez. But apparently everyone is a hard on for Cartman. They really do. They fucking do. They love it, they love it. It was always the same voice. Always the same voice. Was it Betsy, Becky, or um, what was it? There was so many though. But it was something like that. There was like candy and all there was candy, there was Misty, there was Betsy, there was a stripper. Um, yeah, but then like someone was like, I wouldn't bring you home to my mother. And I'm like, Well, I don't think your mom wants to know you're on here. But it was so funny and long-term. I'm like drinking a diet coke. Yes, you can't. That's the thing. You didn't. And I'm just sitting there, and I was acting like a school mom before that. Like, I would act like a school mom. I'd be like, You guys, we can't do that. Jesus is listening. Yes, you know, never said penis, no vagina, dick, no cock, no pussy tits. I am like, if I see a dick, it is too soon.

SPEAKER_04

Like, I'd be like, no, yeah, I am here. I'm saving myself for Jesus. And I was like, I want you to take that big thick rod, shove it in my ass. Like you forgot exactly what it was.

SPEAKER_03

Legitimately went from zero to two.

SPEAKER_02

And you'd be like, What? It's different. This is funny, right?

SPEAKER_03

I'm like, but it was funny. Why are you saying it's weird? And I'm just and they're just like, um, where'd that come from? Like, I don't know. I just made it up. What did I say? You know, it seems so natural to you. No, it's bad. That's scary. That's probably like mental disorder. Like, that's something. Yeah. Like my adaptability to be like absolutely insane. Like, absolutely insane. I think we always have to record this in the dark, though. I think so too. Something about it seems more, it's more us. Uh-huh. It's very much us. It's in the dark. It's reminiscent of 4 a.m. in a bonfire. Yes, because that's our best conversation. Yeah. Like literally, we'd always in the dark. Until the sun came up. Remember that? We'd like stuff. And I was fired. I was always so sad when the sun came up, too. I know me too. I was always like, oh, it's over. We both have very different views on like love and what it looks like. Yes. Yes. Like you are the type. And I don't know.

SPEAKER_02

And maybe if I found it one day, I would be that type too. But I don't think so. But maybe you're the type when like you're in public. Give me a kiss. You are not afraid of it.

SPEAKER_03

Show the world. If you don't like it, you can go to hell. Right. I'm in love. You know what the thing though too is like I love a man that's willing to do those things for you. You don't have to like those things. And sometimes you don't think you'll like those things, but that turns out to be something that's really endearing and cute that you like. Yeah. I think it it probably has to do with the person too. It does. And it's like you'll find your things though, with your person, even that like, because trust me, I know, like, even we're talking about earlier. Sometimes you have to kiss frogs to get to where you are. It's true though. So like it's really, it just sometimes it's like God's like, okay, I know what you want. I know what's in your heart. And I put that in your heart for a reason, but not yet. So, like, because when you meet that person, you're supposed to, it means something. Because what if you just met them before and you weren't ready for them and they would have just passed you by?

unknown

Right.

SPEAKER_03

Or what if you already have and they're just like waiting, but God's like, nope, I'm gonna circle back on this one. Yeah. I really truly believe that. If you believe in your heart and if you are willing to put the effort into look for someone, and not to like, nope, them swipe, nope, them swipe, not like that. Yeah. But if you meet someone, and that's why I don't like online dating. It's very disingenuous. Well, no, and that's the thing too, that I was like so shocked about it. Because even I remember my cousin that like came in Thanksgiving and she's like, Oh, you should try online dating. So I'm like, I tried online dating. I did it the bad way first, and then you know, and then you were about to hit delete and you got a message and you were like, hmm, right. Not bad. No, exactly. I'm like, oh, that's the person I've been stalking since I started on here like two months ago. Had you been? Like, yeah. Really? Mm-hmm. He was one of the first people I saw in there. And you kept like going back to him, like seeing him on things and being like, Oh, what did you what stopped you? Was it just like, oh he was too outdoorsy for me. And still is pictures of him doing firefighting. Yeah. Like, and by firefighting, he had like an axe. He was like hot as fuck. Another one, he was sitting at a picnic table camping. Mm-hmm. And I think another one was him like doing some kind of something outside or in water. It was something, but it was like fully clothed, but it was he'd never take his own picture. So it was other pictures people took of him. Mm-hmm. And it was like he's social and he likes to be outdoors. Right, and he had like sunglasses on, so I couldn't quite see his face. So I was like, oh my gosh, what if he like, you know what I mean? It's just something like that. Right. But like something about his profile. I kept like going back to that profile. Yeah. And I kept looking at looking at it, and then all of a sudden I get a message, and I was just about to leave everything, and he was like, Hey, sorry I haven't been on here in a while. I'm not on here a lot. How are you doing? Super just casual, not even like, here's a dick pic, I want to fuck you, like, and nothing like you would never no has he ever sent you a dick pic? Never in my life. You've never received a dick pic from your husband. I've even tried to take a dick pic of him and he makes me delete it. Oh my god, that's so funny. He won't. He will not. He's so private. He's too private for that. He's too fucking private. He's too private. I'm surprised. Well, I think one thing we can come to terms with is the dating pool has um E. coli. So enter at your own risk. It for sure does. It's rancid. And I feel like every it's like every time I want to like dive in. Right. It's like dive right into the shallow end, you know. Welcome to the shallow end of the dating pool. Everyone's peed in here, it has E. coli. You know, they clean it, they clean it once a year. Like the YMCA. Like the YMCA. FYI for anybody listening. If you didn't know, when somebody poops in the pool at the YMCA, which is daily, they just minimum, they skim it out, skim it out with a net, and they only drain and clean the pool once per year. Once. Well, according to experts, if you find love online, you're one of the lucky few. And according to my fortune cookie I ate the other night, love is a journey, not a destination. Words to live by. We're never done working on love. Even when you find a person, you need to keep loving them, keep dating them, keep it. I feel like the longest road though is to finding them. It is, it is, but then also too, I think when it takes longer to get there, you stay there and you appreciate them more. I feel like if you're truly listening and you're, you know, letting being open to what's coming to you, God brings that person into your life when it's supposed to happen for a reason. And you'll see that once it happens. Once it happens and you look back, you're like, oh shit. It makes sense. It makes sense. Yeah. Like I literally would sit there and joke about my situation of like taking care of my mom and who would help me with that. Like, who wants to go on a date with someone that's like, you know. And then I'm like, met my husband, and then I'm like, what's one of the first things you fell in love? Because I love playing this game of questions. Like, what's one of the first things you loved about me? Like you fell in love with me. He's like hearing you talk about your family and how you took care of your mom. And I'm like, okay, God, so you're listening. You know, which also proves, as we'll discuss more in this podcast, God has a sense of humor. He does. He has a very funny one sense of humor. It's a it's great. It's hilarious. Like, it's honestly a good time. He's he's fucking hilarious. Love him for that. I really do. Kind of savage sometimes. Oh, he can be fucking savage. He can be a little bit of a diva sometimes. Uh-huh. You know. Kind of dramatic. Oh, for sure. A little bit dramatic. For sure. Like for sure. Calm down. It's not that funny. No, exactly. We're not all at, you know, like, okay, come and stop this. This isn't cute anymore. Getting weird. It's like when you go to a haunted house and at first you're like, ooh, spooky. And by the end, you're just like, let me out. You shit your pants. And you're like, I just want to go home. And you just want to go. And you need a Xanax. Yes. Right. Exactly. You're like, I don't know how many Xanax is going to take for me to get back to baseline. You know, at this point, it's not even helping. The anxiety attack. It's just subduing it slightly. Yep. Yep. You know. We are new and we want to grow our audience. Please tell your friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers and laugh along with us. If you like what you hear, please leave a rating or review. And if you don't like what you heard, well, we're praying for you. Thank you for sitting with us. And remember, laughing counts as cardio. Bang, honey, how are ya? You want how many copies of the book? That's phenomenal. Oh, I love that. Thank you for your love and support. We appreciate you. We're so sad here that you and Frank were out of business. Oh, the times are hard. You know, a lot of businesses didn't make it through COVID. You're not alone. Oh, it's before COVID. Well, I do miss the pony beads. I have a demon roaming the floors. Yeah, can you go grab her? I try to use the magic wand and she won't go away. I was about to ask her name, and she looks at him and says, Fuck you, Tobias. He has he has a look of hunger in his eyes. He just can't help himself. He has a desire for a garage. You know what? That's what you get. Okay, that's it. Fuck it. Fuck it.

SPEAKER_04

I love it, I love it, I love it.