Sneak Peak: Episode Two

Join us as we travel through time talking about Mel's love life, online dating, and the romance novel Shanna is writing titled "Mel's Last Snow". 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:05

I don't want to record the podcast now. It's not even funny. You're connected. Say hi. I mean, my dad was newly divorced and had a jerry curl. My mom was young and liked to drink coffee, smoke, and talk, and that's what my dad was the best at. But if Brenda tries to offer you pills, don't take them. Don't she's almost killed every member of the family.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

The dad was sitting in the dark on his porch, like smoking a cigarette, and we're putting on a dance show.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

She goes, I don't understand. It's like it went up inside of him and there's no end on it.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Mom, guess what? I think we're at purity ring.

SPEAKER_02 0:39

Well, it's like a regular one, but with like a skin blanket around it. What's the free tale where you grow up and then your dad's gay? I got the killing off the mom part. My head ombre's into my body. I offer dating services. The thing is, though, you've tried to set me up with people. It hasn't worked out. Um, not because of me. Top down.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

There is nothing wrong with this man.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Look at that fucking body.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

I was trying to hook Melissa up with someone from a previous generation.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

It was someone's dad. Did you ever get those pictures back from Owen Mills? I'll quit this podcast right fucking now. What's that turd sandwich up to? And it is him in a field of sunflowers with what can only be described as a Clydesdale. Your emotions keep you constipated as fuck. You're backed up. That tortoise has suffered a series of strokes and has also been alive since the Civil War. In my book, Melissa's Last Snow, coming to a Frank's nursery and crafts near you. Paperback available came up. I wrote a romance novel for her. It's called Melissa's Last Snow. Melissa's Last Chance at Love was waiting in the cold. What is his name? Tobias. His friends call him Toby. She fucking lost her shit on me. If Toby and I do more than like hold hands in this book, I'm never gonna be able to look you in the eye again. It's like in chapter seven, you know, I'm holding his throbbing love wand, I'm gonna die. I know what he wants. He has to shit. Frank, how are you doing? Honey here, Ben, honey, how are ya? I just want to help Melissa find love. I'm like that guy that you have on hospice right now that keeps trying to jump off his balcony because he just wants it to end. I'm gonna go roll my chair into traffic. Because saying walking into traffic is too unrealistic. We're diving headfirst into this shadow into the dating pool. I had a good thing going with the chaplain for a while. Praise Jesus, I've had enough loss in my life. Make me feel like a fucking feather in the wind. I'm not trying to be an a-hole. Face pubes, leprechaun, racist, rapist. I will never ask a man out on a date. One was an actual, I think, cast member of the newsies. And then there was the magician. Was he actually a magician or did he just have a cape in a picture? He was a weirdo in a basement wearing a cape who had a wax mustache. What about the librarian? The pleasure dom? Okay, let's read about this fucking nerd. The next dick I get, sending to their entire family. You be Annie Oakley and I'll be Jesse James, and let's get a picture taken, Mom. Life expectancy of a soft shell crab. When there's multiple people in the main profile picture, okay? You always know which one's profile it actually is because it will be, you know, the ugliest one. There's always fair season. Moment of silence for that fair season. I think in the end with that, when you were in it for the dog. Did you know that I have a Planet Fitness membership? I've paid for it every month for the last two years. I haven't gone yet. Stop.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

Hi, um, this is Pepsi. Um, I'm just sitting at home um drinking a couple cocktails, two free hands, and open mind. I need you to get a ladder, a cat, a block of ice, and some milk.

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Well, I can only imagine that they pictured Cartman because you sounded exactly like him when you were talking. It's like if Hannibal Electra was aroused.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

I'm gonna have Sony restraining orders.